Do Men Love Women?
I have a soft spot for romantic movies.
As do most heterosexual women, it would seem.
I love to immerse myself in stories in which love challenges, uplifts, infuriates and ultimately redeems us.
And, as a heterosexual woman, my guilt pleasure are movies in which heterosexual men overcome impossible obstacles to be with the women they love.
They would slay dragons and kill aliens.
They would start wars and fight legions.
Most importantly, they would overcome their own limitations, traumas, fears and hurts.
In these worlds, men feel; deeply and profoundly, and don’t mind expressing their feelings and their admiration for us, sometimes through corny romantic gestures (thanks, John Cusack).
I would watch these movies (or read the books of the same nature) and then leave them with an immense feeling of grief and sadness.
I felt grief and sadness because, deep in my heart, I knew that, in real life, men never love women this way.
They most definitely don’t seem to love us the same way we love them.
It was as if, rather than loved, we were tolerated within a narrow space of men’s needs; the space in which we’re a necessity for them.
I never felt that men particularly loved or even noticed our intelligence, humour, passion, loyalty, silliness, messiness, vulnerability, grief, anger.
And I felt men, especially, did not love our power.
I remember, at one particular low point in my own relationship, I went on Google and typed in utter desperation: “do men really love women?”.
Google, surprisingly, couldn’t come back with a proper answer.
I couldn’t help feel that, ultimately, when we were “won over”, we were just things that needed to be penetrated; sometimes assessed in terms of our ability to deliver and care for children, as well as closer and extended family; valued for as long as we served and put the needs of others before our own.
I know this sounds very harsh and it probably does immense disservice to the men in my life that certainly never felt or thought as women this way and who deeply revere, respect and love the women in their lives.
And, it probably is, because they most certainly do.
But despite this, the feeling that men don’t love women has always felt very true to me, and still does to a certain degree.
Because, if there wasn’t at least some truth to this notion, then why did a majority of my dates end up with the man talking almost the whole time leaving me to feel that there was really no genuine interest in me, aside from whether there was a chance I would end up sleeping with him.
If there wasn’t some truth to this deeply held belief of mine, then why, even in my partnered relationships, having a deep conversation and sharing what was felt and thought felt like pulling out teeth and a labour that was done for my benefit and my benefit alone?
Why did I feel that needing intimacy, beyond physical intimacy, was only something that was important to me?
How could I spend most of my time with and in the company of men and more often than not feel like I was surrounded by aliens, whose conversations I couldn’t really be a part of, and who made me feel alone, shunted, unheard and unseen?
In the end, why did I, more often than not, feel that I needed to be on my guard around men, always careful in terms of what I could say or show or believe in and what I could not?
But, let’s go beyond the realm of my personal experience.
Maybe a lot of it comes from poor choices on my side or the cultural context of my surroundings or, maybe, it was just me.
But when we look at the world we live in, where are women in the lives of men?
If, you as men, truly loved us as women, then why don’t you want us more present in this world; in your world?
Why don’t you want us as your leaders, mentors, coaches, managers, guides?
Do you have absolutely no need for our guidance, affection, loyalty, wisdom?
If men love women, then why don’t you want us as your friends? Someone you want and need to be with regardless of whether you can be physically intimate with us or not? Why don’t you need to talk to us and share with us, the same way we need to talk and share with you?
Come to think about it, why can’t you talk to us, period? Not with the aim of impressing us, or achieving a goal with us, or downloading your emotional work on us, but truly allowing us to see and hear you, all of you, and you to see and hear us, all of us, in return?
If men love women, then why are the only emotions you allow us to see is your lust or your rage? Why do you allow us to think that you actually don’t have any emotions at all?
Why don’t you desire our consent, and not because it’s the right thing to do, but because you know that a women opening herself to you is the most amazing gift that could be offered — be it for one night or for a lifetime?
If men love women, then why aren’t are our imperfect, non-white, non-slim, non-young bodies not only enough for you, but something that is cherished by you?
Why do you still need to regulate us, silence us, judge us?
Why do you enjoy our fear and discomfort?
Why do you want us dead?
If you’re a man reading this, and you feel outraged, please understand.
Understand, that I don’t think you’re my enemy.
I don’t hate you.
I don’t want you to feel guilty or ashamed.
I want you to know I need you.
But I, as most women, want to feel that you need me as well.
That you need all of me. All of us.
That you need our intelligence, humour, passion, loyalty, silliness, messiness, vulnerability, grief, anger. That you need our power.
We live in a world in which, as women, we feel unsafe, unheard, unrepresented, unappreciated and underpaid.
And we need this world to change.
And yes, that means we need you to change.
But not really change, but become.
Become who you truly are and allow us the privilege to witness you in all your glory.
I know you think you love us. But the fact is, you don’t.
Or at least, you don’t love us enough.
Because if you did, there would be no obstacle you wouldn’t overcome for us.
Including overcoming yourself and the world created for you.
P.S. This article was inspired by Jane Ward’s “The Tragedy of Heterosexuality”.
